Happy Halloween?

So we made it to another holiday on the ol' calender and it is one of the top 3 of the year. The others being X-mas and Canadian Flag Day. I love Halloween and everything about it. I am a big horror fan and love to be scared, just not a lot out there that scares me. The influx of horror movies over the last 20 years has just lost it's umph. You really have to see some fucked up shit to be startled anymore. We as a nation are pretty numb to scary movies because we have seen it all from Jason to Michael to Freddie and now that homo from the Saw movies.
I just know that I need to write, direct and star in my own movie. I even have a great working title..."Fucked Up Shit" it would just be different segments of Fucked Up Shit... of course there would be:
Midgets,Goats,Hookers,Bass Fisherman,The other guy from the original American Idol,Snakes,Monsters,Mexicans,Chainsaws,The lady that works at the animal shelter that you are not sure is a guy or a girl (you know the one) Pointy Objects,Blood&Guts, Smurfs, Cheese,
Ice Cream Trucks,Chong,A Wood Chipper, Andrew Ridgely(the other dude from Wham)Rhea Perlman(she just popped in my head for some reason) Japanese Tourists, Paris Hilton (duh) Hot Mcdonalds Coffee, Brains, Spleens,McDreamy, A Copy Us Magazine, A Clock,Explosions,Ghosts,Goblins,Witches,Warlocks,Vince Vaughn in a Dominatrix Costume,A Cell Phone,Cheerios,Gates of Hell, Fire, Demons, Ashton Kutcher,Lost Keys,Puppies,Massacre,Torture,Hot Wax on the Nips, Rob Zombie, A Turtle, A Stapler, Some Bananas, Phlegm,Ooze,Fog, Dancing Girls, More Midgets and of course ME.

I think I can pitch this and get a PG-13... Please let me know what you would like to add?

Thanks,
MGMT

For Scott

Some of us have friends that will be there for them through thick and thin, friends who you can totally confide in, friends that will help you and offer their advice and support... the following conversations took place with a friend that is none of the above...

DS: I don't know what to do, I think I am going to lose my job and just don't know what to do.
ME: really, oh man that sucks. I am sorry to hear that. Can you give me a ride to the bank at lunch, I don't want to put the extra miles on my benz.
DS: But I am afraid I am going to be broke and have a family to support.
ME: (working on a calculator) If I sell my house, cash in my stocks... this is what I would have.
DS: But what does that have to do with me.
ME: I have this.... I have that... (still clicking away on the calculator) and then I get an inheritence for another 80K so I will really have this, oh, and I still get the money from my grandmothers house, so really I have this much now.

DS: I am getting a divorce and losing everything that I had
ME: me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
DS: ????
ME: me me me me me me me (taking calculator out again and clicking away) me me me
DS: ????
ME: I have this, this and this... me me me me me me me
DS: ????
ME: (clicking away still on the calculator) and after the stock splits, I get this, this and this... me me me me

DS: you wanna have lunch today?
ME: I got up at 3am on Saturday to play golf.
DS: Lunch, do you want to eat it?
ME: I go to the golf course early so I can get a tee time early for the next week too.
DS: Food, Comer??? SI'?
ME: I get there early, have my starbucks and smoke. me me me me me me me me me me
DS: ?????
ME: I just added a calculator to my golf bag so I can tally what I have at any given moment on the course.
DS: ????
ME: I shot an 86, all while holding a cigarette in one hand and a coffee in the other and using a calculator to see how much I have in the bank after each hole... me me me me me me


Thank you for being there ME... I still love you.

The Addiction

I don't know what it is about this little FB world I have created, but it has become my heroin. I get to work early just so I can do a few bumps before doing my work. And instead of doing my work (sometimes) I am still doing my FB bumps. I used to play on Myspace, and come to think of it, if you are on Myspace and I am on Myspace, doesn't that make it Ourspace. So a big FUCK YOU goes out to Tom. (myspace creator) Everyone is ditching your lame site and moving on. It is still good to have a profile on Myspace, but somehow FB is just more satisfying.
So while I am curled up on the floor shaking with my laptop, just trying to get my high on FB, I will always remember what it was like before. Wait, I can't remember what it was like before FB.. I need help.

A FB SHOUT OUT

This is just a shout out to all the great people I have re-connected with on Facebook. I cannot get over how amazing everyone is and have had the most fun messing around with all of you.
So in no particular order... well at least the order everyone is listed on my friends list... I want to throw out some Friday love to :
Donna, Devra, Marco, Sharon, Coni, Azize, Marc, Tina, Kevin, Gluck, Coop, Rabbi C., Patrick, Barbara, Tali, Deanna, Jennifer, Debbie, Nani, Ohlberg, Michelle O. ,Ginny, Dawn, Jeremi, Aaron, Jeannette, Stacy, Stacey, Moshe, Brian , Soucy, Steven Brody, Marie, Jilly, Barb Tots, Chris V., Margarita, Ron, Teresa... and of course Nik (everyone should have a Nik in their life) Karl (love from papa bear...) and Scotty D. (Mi Familia)
thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
YOU ALL ROCK!!!
Now stop wasting your time reading this and get back to work.
I love you all

New Flavors

The following is just a list of Pop Tart flavors I have submitted to the Kellog Company:
Salmon-Berry (Marie's Fav)
Brown Sugar and Asparagus
Chicken
Chocolate and Wild Rice
Cinnamon and Flour
Apples and Beans
Vinegar
Vegitarian
Suasage and Sprinkes
Trout
Pepsi
Marshmellow and Green Beans
Coffee and Cigarettes
Egg Roll
Jack Daniels and Cigarettes
Starburst Candy
Fudge and Sea Bass
Turtle Soup
CousCous
Lasagna
Shrimp and Cherries.

The apple does not fall far

Jamie Lynne Spears... Brit's kid sister... Is pregnant again...
Hang on a second.
ahh ha ha ha ha haaah aahh hhaaaa haah ahhha hhhaaah haaa haa ha ah aha haa aha ahhha ahh hahaaa
Sorry, I fell out of my chair laughing. I know teen pregnancy is nothing to laugh at, but Jesus Christ, WTF is wrong with that family. I know this may sound like part 3 of my plan for global domination, but I can assure you that the Spears family is not part of the master plan, but slowly becoming the master race though... hmmmm. Where is Joe Simpson when we need him most.
But wait a second... maybe if we fill the world with Spears' we can use them to fight in wars, work at fast food joints, clean shit up, etc... Like our own clone army of Spears'. And just think when one Spears goes down, it's not long for it to be replaced by another. We can have them just mass produce and use them as currency. Oh, how much for the Snicker bar... that will be 2 Spears. See how it works.
Well, I think I just solved another world problem... thank you very much.
Now, If I can just get Canada to take back Celine Dion and Brian Adams we will be all set.

God Bless Sid and Marty

I just got into this crazy message train with Marie, Barbara and Jill (All hot of course) and we were rapping about the greatest kids shows ever... It was Sid and Marty Krofft's drug induced world of sea monsters, dinosaurs, superheroes, gay kids singing about crap and the acidic world of puffnstuff.
I now understand why we are all fucked up... I blame those genius' who brought us into the magical world of HR Puffnstuff, Sigmund and the Sea Monsters ( Johnny and Scott were actually lovers not just friends ) The Bugaloos, LidsVille, Land of the Lost ( they are working on the movie by the way ) and Electro Woman and Dyna Girl ( got me through puberty )
These were the greatest shows of all time and we will never see anything like it again.
Slee Stak's scared the shit out of me, and I always wished Chaka would have gotten eaten by Alice. ( Little hairy bastard )
As I have gotten older, I realized that the only way to enjoy these shows, was to be HHHIIIGHHH!!! I don't condone the use of drugs, but in this case it is very, very acceptable.
I am working on a get together so we can all get stoned and lock ourselves in a room and watch the box sets in full HD and surround sound. Wow... that sounds so good.. please respond if you are in.
And please come dressed as your favorite character... Now where did I put my Holly costume.

Much Respect to Dave Part 2

Did you really think I was going to let that previous post go without some witty comment... Jeez
So here is my spin on the whole David Duchovny thing... I think he got busted by his wife Tea Leoni or however the fuck you spell her name, and since he got caught, he pleaded that it was an addiction and needed help just to get out of a messy divorce. Fuck he is smart. Plus she has pretty much hit the wall anyway.. she did that one movie a long time ago with Martin Lawrence and Will Smith... shit what was it called.... Oh, Bad Boys. She looked hot then, but now she is a little on the haggard side. Not that she is totally off the charts now, but holy crap, age did not treat her well. Almost as if she lost a bet to the devil or something.
Now I have to ask, and would love some feedback on this.. what guy isn't addicted to porn or sex? or for that matter, don't woman also suffer from this addiction?
I mean, what is the big deal, he was watching some adult movies on his computer and taking care of himself. OMG... call the fucken cops!!! I would rather have him home doing that then out there on the streets setting fires to churches.
If you really think about it the average person probably thinks about sex and being intimate at least 100 times a day. I would rather think of that instead of some of the other nightmares that are going on around the world. Mmmm just had a bite of a really good banana. Nothing sexual, just having a snack.... get your mind out of the gutter.
Anyway, let's make love and not war... damn that sounds really cliche' I will have to think of something to fix that later on.

Much Respect to Dave

I have to give some respect to David Duchovny for completing his rehab for addiction to pornography. I am sure it was a difficult thing for not only himself, but for his family to go through. So props to Dave for the good work.

Global Domination

My quest for global domination is almost complete. There is a headline on MSN today that reads:
'Bra Bandit' strikes again in southwest Florida
The suspect walked out of a Victoria Secret store with 160 bras
My plans are working effortlessly...
Now for the second wave of dominance, to get all the Kit Kats out of the Shell Stations in
Albuquerque.
(Insert Evil Laugh Here)

I never want to take medication

It finally dawned on me that all commercials for prescription medications are horrifying. If you pay close attention at the end like I do, they list all the side effects of the specfic drug. Holy shit... I just watched a commercial for some hormonal ring used for birth control, and to be very honest, I would rather get pregnant than have to suffer the following...Nausea, Dizziness,Depression,Heart Murmurs, Loss of Hair, Chronic Dhiarrea, Hallucinations, Seeing Bigfoot, Strokes, Embelisms, Death and Headaches. You got to be fucking kidding me. Is it worth it to suffer through all that for a little nookie... the nookie... so you can take that cookie... and stick it up your @ss. ( my friend Jason now owes me 20 bucks because he said I couldn't work in a Limp Bizkit lyric into a blog ) Choke on that my friend.
So I have to question the drug companies on what they are doing... Can't we just take our medication and not fear fiery dhiarrea or chronic projectile vommiting. I am all for birth control, but if Jamie was suffering through all of these above mentioned effects, chances are.. I am not getting any that night. Unless of course the nurse in the morgue is really hot.

Balloons of the lord

If you have seen my new pics on facebook, you may have noticed that I attended my first "small town" type street fair in Lewisville,Tx called Western Days. The closest you would get to this in LA would be the gay pride parade I would assume. The people here are very proud of their little towns and everyone here seems to know one another. It is a very family oriented deal. Normally I would have entertained this with my cynical "tude" but my daughters had a great time and Jamie and her younger sister had a great time, which in turn made me have a good time. Everyone was smiling and having a good time, and almost everyone had a ballon which was pretty cool to see. I really wanted a blue balloon because I remember this really cool girl in High School named Dawn that loved balloons, especially blue ones. So I got in thinking of her. Now, the free ballon stand I took the kids to was for a church who also gave out bracelets to the kids. Of course, you don't get anything in this world for free... There was a nice older gentlemen handing out ballons, along with a crash course on how Jesus died for our sins...yada yada yada. Churchin is a big part of life here. Not that I was offended on what the balloon reverend had to say, I just wanted to get the balloons so we could go get snow cones. It was hot enough where a snow cone took precedent over the teachings of the bible. So we took our ballons of the lord and kept on a movin to the snow cone stand. Now everyone had a balloon as far as I could tell and all I wondered was, did these thousands of people have to sit through a mini course in the bible to get a balloon. I mean really, what does a balloon cost... a penny a nickle. Is it worth all that time spent getting preached to, for just a balloon ? I really don't think so. I believe I am going to set up a table, right next to the churches table, and tell every passer by that they can have one of my balloons and don't have to listen to any preaching. Of course I will probably just get lynched in this town for doing that. Did you know that most stores in Texas don't open til 1pm on Sundays, and some don't open at all because it is a church day. So now I am walking around with my balloon like a proud papa, until I caught a reflection of myself in a store front window... Holy Shit!! I looked like a retard... ooops... sorry, mentally challenged american. I have made a point to be more kind when it comes to that word after seeing The Ringer with Johnny Knoxville. That was a funny movie. So after realizing that I looked like a tard... shit.. did it again. Mentally Chalenged American... better... I had no choice but to let it go just to regain my pride, not that tards (damn..sorry) aren't proud. My daughter Summer, who is only five, and really adorable, asked why I let it go?? I told her that I just felt stupid carrying it. And of course, she followed suit and let hers go too. She later told me she felt stupid too... God I love her... She needs her own blog.

Hey Brittany

My little Brit has a sex tape out there... why is this not shocking to me.. About 6 years ago, she comes out on MTV when they played music and everyone was loving her. Now she is a train wreck and more fun to watch then a seisure. I have had her in my death pool for this year, and she may make it... dammit!! So she has a sex tape.. who doesn't. It's a right of passage for young starlets.. Paris, Pamela ,Kim, Screech... and now Brit. Will I buy it... duh!! of course. I have to add it to my collection. I do not condone someone stealing someone else's personal things for gain, but I do get frequent points on my credit card , so I have to use them.
I don't feel bad for her or her kids or her family. I just think the whole thing is funny. I never would have guessed, in a million years that K-Fed was the normal one. Kudos to Kev.... I said Kudos again.. (see previous posting)
As for you my little Brit Brit... I am looking forward to seeing you as a contestant on the new Gong Show soon. Keep up the good work.

I'm Just a Bill

So I read on MSN today that the House passed the bailout bill, now Ol' Dubya just has to sign it. Which means one thing... a quick dip in the crayola box for his favorite color... perrywinkle.
I will lay even money that he has no idea what he is signing. He heard the words bailout and imediately thought "Oh great, what did my daughters do now"
By the way, his daughters are pretty hot. Plus they party, so you know you have a chance...
Anyway, I was just thinking of Palin again... I can see her doing a Maxim cover if she does not get into the office. Or at least guns & ammo. I mean, she did kill a moose. A moose?? Really.. are they that hard to take down. For the most part it just stands there, can't be that hard to kill something that is just standing there. It's like hunting a cow or a mailbox. Not much sport in that. Now if you told me she shot a bigfoot or a humpback whale, I may be a little more impressed. Those things at least move and put up more of a challenge.
Did you know that according to the map I have, Alaska and Russia are only about an inch and a half away from each other. I never knew that. I thought it was closer to England or something.
Also, I saw some pics of Jennifer Aniston in a bikini on msn today. Wow, she looks great. Do you think Brad Pitt is kicking himself in the ass right now. I mean that Jolie broad is insane.
I got lost in the mall a few weeks back and she tried to adopt me. Brad, that poor bastard has to vacation in 3rd world hell holes just so she can pick out more kids. He should totally leave her. What the fuck was he thinking. I know he wanted to have kids, but 7 of them, and all of them different everything. What the hell must dinner be like in that house. I think two of the kids don't even speak english.. They just make that clicking noise like Starvin Marvin from South Park... Clicking noises are funny.

The Big Debate

So I was watching bit's and pieces of the debate last night while changing the channels during commercials of Reno 911 and My Name Is Earl. I really like those shows, especially Reno 911. Thomas Lennon and Robert Garant are the guys that created that show and they are amazing writers and actors. Just kudos to them for "getting it" It's rare that I use the word Kudos. Just a funny word, isn't it... Kudos. I think it is also a breakfast bar. Not sure, if you say Kudos to someone, are you telling them breakfast bar. I remember having one a few years ago. They tasted like powdered dung. Just make sure if you eat one, not to make any plans that day except for sitting on the toilet. Oh the humanity...
What the hell was I getting at... Oh, the debate. I really like Joe Biden and think he makes a lot of sense.. last night he just seemed to be phoning it in. But that Sarah Palin... wow, is she a looker. Like something out of a lens crafters catalog. First off, I forgot that Alaska was a state, so no big deal. I was kindly corrected. But what they hell do they have in the water that produced that babe. I stopped listening for a few minutes and had that same dream that Bradley had in Fast Times about Linda when she climbed out of the pool, except instead of Palin taking off her top, she took off the glasses... grrrrr
It really just seemed like to ex-spouses arguing nicely in front of the children. Talking smack with a polite smile on their faces.. ugh.... So I switched back to Reno 911 and they were questioning Terry, the gay guy on the rollerblades. Man that was funny...
When the commercial hit, I went back to the debate only to have the same Brad/Linda flashback again. Okay, here is a good trivia question... can you name the song that was playing as Linda came out of the pool in her red bikini?? and part two of the question, what did she need in the bathroom?

Let's see what your answers are...

The problem with the dog.

Holy Crap!! I am so looking forward to this weekend just so I can sleep in. I have gotten up extra early every day this week and missing out on quality sleep time. Jamie had to get up early today to do a shirt project for her work (she is a teacher) I don't know how she got up this morning, or what time she started, but she was watching the news and doing her thing by 6am. If it wasn't for our dog having to go drop a duece, I would still be sleeping. So that brings me to my point, apparently the human race can play god and cross breed dogs that would never have been combined in the normal world. We have Cheagles, Puggles, and a slew of unnatural animal breedings here in the states. I guess we as a people like to make things up just because we think they are cute. Most of these half breeds are really cool looking, but the one thing we are over looking is.... if we can cross breed these animals so easily, couldn't we breed a dog with no anus or pee hole? I mean really, does the dog have to relieve itself. Can't we come up with the peeless and poopless dog. I am going to check into it and see what I can do at the home lab.
I want to teach our cats to use the toilet to do their business so I don't have to scoop the litter box anymore. But I know if I succeed, I will stumble out of bed one night to go to the bathroom and there will be my cat on the seat, reading my Maxim, and asking me to shut the door behind me. I just can't have that...
Anyway, it's early and that is the only rant I have now.
Happy Thursday everyone.

Jesus' Coffee Cup

Now I am not a religious fanatic at all.. I know I can use some religion in my life, but I found this article on MSN today and it look as if they found Jesus' coffee cup
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26972493/?GT1=43001
The inscription on the cup is translated as Christ the Magician, but I took ancient languages in community college and I have translated the engraving on the mug to read "Worlds Greatest Boss"
They also found a fake oscar statue for "Best God"
I believe that he had some good friends at work that got him these things to keep around his desk.
That's pretty cool.

The Nations Economy

I just looked at my savings account. It appears that I am part of the economical problem in this country. So how do I play a part in helping the economy... Shit, I have no idea. I did get a salad from Panera for lunch with a green tea. I decided to get green tea becuase I thought it was better for the earth. Turns out it is just an asian tea. Duh... The salad was really good, it was their sesame chicken salad. I am eating healthier and really enjoyed it. After all, I did go running this morning and didn't want to load up on any crap. There seems to be more places to eat crappy foods around here and hard to find something that is good for you. I suppose I could just pack a lunch, but who has time to do that anymore.
Anyway, what the hell was I talking about before, oh yeah.. the economy. I heard something about that recently. I believe it was a news report saying we are all fucked 9 ways to Sunday, but due to the bailout the 9 is now 9 million.
Here is a great idea, take out all your money from the bank and put it under your mattress. Sure your sealy posture pedic probably doesn't offer the best interest rates, but it won't lose it when you are not looking either.
Man this is a good salad. I just got a bite of chicken,sesame seeds, mandarin orange and almonds in one bite... wow... very tangy.

The Boise Public Restroom Problem

When we think of Boise, Idaho.. we think of clean air, nice people and potatoes. But there is a dark secret that haunts the residents of this peaceful community. Something so terrible, it has the kind people scared to leave their homes. Yes... the lack of Ass Gaskets in public restrooms.
This is a common issue in third world countries, but to happen in Boise, the nations 24th largest producer of petrolium based products.
What is a person to do when they are out enjoying a fine meal at a local establishment and has to use the restroom. The horror on that persons face when they are smacked right in the face with the lack of sanitary products in said restroom. Yes, that person could just wipe down that seat with a handful of TP, but is that just moving the germs around and creating a cespool of bacteria.
"What about the children" local resident Nicole Davis cried as she was wisked away by local officials for her rantings at diner this past Sunday. Yes... What about the children? Will the Boise city council act on this horrifying trend?
I called on City Council member Vern Bisterfeldt to find out what is going to be done to protect the public from the lack of Ass Gaskets in public restrooms and Vern offered the following statement..."Who the fuck is this... are you serious. Did Al put you up to this?"
No Vern, Al had nothing to do with this. The public has a right to sanitary pooping conditions and nothing is being done.
I have tried to reach Al for a comment, but the Boise phonebook is silly with Al's and it will take some time to dig up more information. For now, the good people of Boise, and rebel-rauser, Nicole Davis will have to use the squat method when having to relieve themselves publicly.
More to follow as the story develops.

Meagan Fox - part 2

Okay, I brought my Maxim in to show one of my co-workers who Meagan Fox was. He did not remember her from Transformers. It is now 10:15, I gave him the magazine at 8:00am and still have not seen him. I think I need to go out at lunch today and re-purchase the magazine.
I may not have mentioned this before, but wow... she is really good looking. Almost too good looking. Like maybe she was created by some lab, like the one Jessica Alba and Anna Kournikova was made at. I am assuming this lab is at some secret location in the base of a mountain, the kind where they usually take UFO's and alien bodies to. I have a conspiracy theory that the US Government has captured extra terrestrial intelligence and reverse engineered the contraption and used it to create the following things: Brad Pitt, Jessica Alba, Anna Kournikova, Meagan Fox, George Clooney, Carrot Top (no way he is human) the platypus, Andrew Ridgely (the other dude from Wham) The Prius, the words Vente, Grande & Tall, and possibly the Mc Rib sandwich. I have a laundry list of things that I do not believe were created with our current technology and will list them all at a later date.

Happy Hump Day

So here we are on Hump Day. I was forced out of bed this morning at 5:15 to go jogging. It was a nice way to start the day... oh who am I kidding, I was balls deep in a great dream and had no ambition to get out of bed. We get outside witht the dog and start our morning run through the neighborhood and all I am thinking is how I really wish we were passing a starbucks. We have to train for The Race For The Cure (please see previous post) I have seen pictures of this "race" and it does not look all that hard. I do promise that I will not be carrying a balloon though, and I am not sold on the ribbon thing either. So now I am sitting in my office trying to figure a way to pull a Costanza and nap under my desk.
Well, I hope everyone has a great Hump Day.